Meine Liebe
by frukforever
Summary: It has been ten years since Ludwig met Kiku. It has been five yeas since they started dating. It has been four months since Kiku died. /Past character-dead and a mention of suicide. Kind of angsty. GerPan needs more love


I met you ten years ago. Back then it was hard to think that you were older than me; your body was so skinny and small, you were so pale, so lifeless.

You were afraid me, weren't you? As you looked up at me, your brown eyes were filled with fear. Though I've never been good with feelings, that was something I could recognize.

I hated to see it in your eyes, even though I understand why you felt that way. In such a state where anyone could take advantage of you, a big man like me was probably the most scaring scene you could imagine.

But I wanted to change that. I wanted to show you that not every people are bad. I might yell sometimes, I'm a bit quiet and grumpy, but that doesn't make me bad. But of course, you couldn't know that.

So I held my hand for you, somehow managing to get the everlasting frown away from my face, just to show you that I was worth trusting.

You were hesitant. You didn't trust people. You were scared of people, I suppose.

It was maybe an hour, maybe just five minutes. To me, it was like a small eternity when we stood there. It was slowly getting darker, your beautiful hair almost not visible against the dark walls of the houses surrounding us. Then I didn't realize, but now I know how scared you must have been. After all, there was no way for you to get away if I'd have decided to attack you.

"Hey… I'm not going to hurt you…"

Now I feel like I could slap myself hard on the cheek. Just what was I thinking when I said that thing? Who could believe a stranger saying that?

I noticed you flinch, as if you were surprised that I had a voice. I think my voice scared you a bit too, it was too low and raspy to trust.

After the flinch, you didn't do anything, not a single word escaped those pale lips of yours. I tried speaking a few other times. I don't even want to remember what I said, something stupid anyway.

You have no idea how happy, how relieved and how glad I was when I suddenly felt a small hand in my bigger one. I had been staring down at the ground, and when I lifted my head, I found myself staring at your fearful face. I smiled slightly at you, in an encouraging way.

Somehow we made our way to the hospital. You were quiet for the whole time, that's something I can remember. But I talked to you, I explained why I was taking you to the hospital, that you were free to go away if you wanted.

But you didn't. You walked quietly by my side, those beautiful eyes never leaving the street.

It was a week after that. A sunny Sunday morning. I came to the hospital to see you, just like every other day. But this time, there was something different; as I sat down on a chair next to your bed, taking your hand as usually, you smiled. It was the most breath-taking thing I've ever seen.

"Thank you, Ludwig-san."

The first time ever I heard that quiet, serious voice of yours. The first time you called me 'Ludwig-san'. The first time you thanked me. I was unable to stop smiling at that moment, my normally so serious and blank face getting slight pink tint.

I've never been very talkative person. But you made me talk. After the first day you had talked, we spoke every day. Hours and hours we could just speak about something, anything, actually; from politics to birds, from literature to football. Anything.

I grew very fond on you, more than ever before on anyone else. At first, you were like a younger brother to me, though I knew that you were older. Then it came to something much more, to something I had never felt towards anyone. I was too afraid to admit it, and so I continued like nothing had changed.

Then came the day when you got out from hospital. You had no place to stay, you had no money to get a hotel room, and you had no job to get money. I was a young lawyer, not very rich, but rich enough to give you food, clothes and a place to live in. And you accepted my offer.

Life went on like that. We were roommates, and friends. You started to work on a nearby sushi bar, since you were Japanese. Sometimes I'd come a bit earlier from work to eat some sushi with you. One time you even tried to teach me how to make it, but it really wasn't my thing.

I hadn't ever let anyone close to me, you hadn't either. As we sat on the couch of our apartment, I sat at the very edge, and you at the other edge. It was natural for us to live like that, to not be close. We were stupid back then, we didn't understand that we needed closeness as well.

I miss those times when we would just sit at the silent living room, both of us reading, steaming cups of Japanese tea on the table in front of us. I miss those times I'd saw you smiling when you read, when you would accidentally spill tea on your kimono and blush furiously… I miss everything we did in silence, just relaxing in our own way.

You never told about your past. I never asked. It's still a mystery to me why you were in such a state, curled up in the dark street. Why you were so skinny, so bruised, so scared. Had someone hurt you? I think so. I wish I could have found you earlier; I would have been able to protect you.

It was three years after that, when I finally came in terms with my feelings. It had been an unusual year. We seemed to get closer to each other, both physically and mentally. We talked about more intimate things, our feelings and what we wanted from future. When we were sitting on the couch, we were sitting closer month after month.

Eventually came the day when you were sitting on my lap. I had my arms around your small waist, my chin resting against your shoulder.

"Ludwig-san…" I heard you whisper, a bit unsure.

I didn't answer with words, I just a pressed a small, gentle kiss on the creamy skin of your neck. You tensed up a bit, but once you noticed that I wasn't going to do anything else, you relaxed against my chest, your eyes fluttering closed.

We could talk for hours, but when it came to things like this, we preferred our silent ways. And that was our silent way to say that we loved each other.

I know, this letter is incoherent. I just cannot sleep, not without your body on my arms, without the sweet smell of your shampoo tickling my nose.

I cannot believe I lost you.

You said that you will be always in my heart, that I won't ever be alone. Tell me then, why am I feeling so lonely? How am I supposed to live without you, liebe? You weren't just a part of my life; you were my life.

You said that we will see in heaven, that you will be there waiting for me until I join you.

And I will join you.

I love you.

Ich liebe dich.

Aishiteru.

Forever yours,

Ludwig Beilschmidt

P.S. See you in this evening.


End file.
